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8 Ways to Provide Emotional Support for Your Partner

Ivy Kwong, LMFT, is a psychotherapist specializing in relationships, love and intimacy, trauma and codependency, and AAPI mental health.  

how to solve problem with your partner

Kitzcorner / Getty Images

Everybody needs emotional support, but it can be challenging to know how and when to provide it. To create a healthy relationship , you want your partner to know you're there for them, while still being mindful of your own mental well-being.

There are a number of strategies to provide emotional support in a way that is healthy for both you and your partner.

How to Emotionally Support Your Partner

Listen to your partner.

When your partner opens up to you, it’s important to really listen and pay attention. It can be easy to get distracted, especially when we lead such busy lives, but it’s important your partner is given your full attention. 

"You must never dismiss or invalidate what they’re saying or how they’re feeling, as ultimately everyone experiences different emotions in various ways, and there’s no right or wrong way to deal with it," Charlotte Johnson, a sex and relationships expert, says.

If you are not fully present while listening, you may miss important information, which may leave your partner feeling like you aren't interested in or don't care about their thoughts and feelings. Active listening is a supportive and caring practice when someone is opening up to you.

Ask Your Partner What They Need From You

If your partner is opening up to you and you are not sure what they need, you can ask what they’re looking for in that moment. A good question to ask for clarification is: "Would you prefer comfort or solutions right now?"

If they just want to vent, they may not be in a state to receive or appreciate advice and feel upset and unheard. Studies have shown that men in particular are more likely to want to “fix” things for their partners rather than simply listen.

Paraphrase and Repeat Back What They've Said

By doing this, you’re showing that you’re actively listening, and that you understand what your partner is saying. It also validates what your partner is telling you. When they’ve finished telling you something, you can summarize what they've said. A way to begin paraphrasing and repeating what they've said is, "What I'm hearing you sharing is..."

If there’s anything you’re not sure on, don’t be afraid to ask for clarification. It shows that you’re taking an interest and you want to be on the same page. 

Take Their Problems Seriously

Whatever your partner is going through or struggling with, it’s important to take it seriously and to respond with empathy, care, and compassion – even if it’s not something you’d personally see as a big deal. Because, to your partner, it is a big deal. 

Sometimes, people want to say things like “It’s not the end of the world” when a loved one is struggling, but their feelings are not any less valid because some people might have it worse. Your partner will appreciate you taking their problems seriously as something that is real and valid for them a lot more than they would you minimizing or dismissing them. 

Offer Physical Affection

Whether or not physical affection is desired or helpful depends on the person and situation. For some, physical affection may feel welcome and comforting when it comes to providing your partner with emotional support. This might be something as simple as holding their hand while they’re talking to you, or cuddling them when they are struggling. You can offer physical affection by asking questions such as "Can I hold your hand or rub your back as you are speaking?" and "Is it okay if I give you a hug?"

Different people like different levels of physical affection at different times. If you are feeling unsure, communicate with your partner so you can learn what they are open to receiving and can provide it accordingly.

Provide Meaningful Gestures

When your partner is struggling, they might find it more difficult to carry out the usual day-to-day responsibilities and tasks. While listening to your partner is important, some people appreciate concrete actions like taking care of some of the tasks they might not feel up to. 

If there’s a chore they usually do that takes time and effort, you could offer to do it for them. Or, you could pick up their favorite food so they don’t have to worry about cooking, or even just pick up some flowers or a small gift to let them know you thinking about them and that you care. 

Simply Offer Love

It can be reassuring and comforting for your partner to be reminded that you love them and are with them through a challenging time. Make it clear that you love them, you’re there for them, and you care for them. It might not fix or solve what they’re going through, but it’ll certainly help them feel more supported and less alone. 

Check In Later

Maybe your partner opened up about something on their mind and you were able to support them with some of the practices above. Challenges take time to be processed and navigated so your partner will likely need follow up care and support.

Your partner will likely appreciate you checking in with them regularly – making time and effort to follow up shows you’re thinking about them and that you care about what they’re going through even if they haven’t directly brought the subject up again.

What to Avoid When Your Partner Needs Emotional Support

"It’s important you don’t end up becoming your partner’s therapist," says Elena Touroni, PhD, a consultant psychologist and co-founder of The Chelsea Psychology Clinic . "Providing emotional support is a vital part of any meaningful relationship but it needs to be a shared experience. The dynamic should never feel one-sided."

Meanwhile, Kalliopi Cabarcas, LMHC, therapy director at Babylon , explains that it's easy to compare and minimize when your partner opens up to you. "Not only does this go against the importance of listening to our partners, it completely invalidates and diminishes the experience of the person seeking support," she says. "We may often feel that this is a way of relating to others, when it actually creates more distance between partners. If your partner feels coming to you for support will only be met with comparison and dismissiveness, that is a recipe for more issues with communication." In essence, you need to listen to your partner and take them seriously, without getting distracted or immediately trying to solve the problem – unless they ask – or comparing what they’re going through to people who may have it worse. But at the same time, it's important that it's not one-sided – rather, that you're mutually supportive with each other.

If you find you are giving care and comfort to the point where you are feeling burned out, drained, and resentful, this is a sign that you are becoming burned out overextending yourself. At this point, it is important to take care of yourself and encourage or support your partner in seeking additional support from friends, community members, or a therapist.

How to Provide Emotional Support When You Also Feel Down

As much as you might want to provide emotional support when you're also feeling low, it can be difficult. It is important you are looking after yourself too , of course.

"It's ok to share your own emotions when someone is sharing with you," explains Cabarcas. "Just keep in mind not to compare or one-up. This can actually help strengthen communication amongst couples if we allow ourselves to share our emotions and feel safe with the person we are sharing them with. If you are feeling down, it's ok to say it.

Also, being supportive does not mean completely neglecting your own feelings. Not only is it important to be honest about your emotions, but it's also important to be honest if something is too much, Cabarcas says. If you're feeling overloaded as a partner, it is ok to be honest about the support you are capable of providing in that moment and to set a boundary to show you have a limited capacity to help.

But overall, sharing feelings with a partner is beneficial. You may decide to take turns discussing your feelings with one another, and you may realize you feel less alone if your partner is feeling a similar way, too. 

What to Say When You Don't Know What to Say

You won’t always know what to say when your partner opens up to you, particularly if you can’t relate to what they’re going through. 

Don’t be afraid to admit that you can’t relate directly, but still make sure to emphasize that you’re there for your partner and you love them. This might be where non-verbal methods of supporting your partner come in. Even if you aren’t sure what to say, a kiss, a hug, or a hand-hold might say more than your words can. Or, you can express your care and concern by buying them a gift, doing the chores, or taking the dog for a walk so they don’t have to. 

When to Suggest Outside Help

You might not be best equipped to deal with everything your partner tells you. Or, you might be getting overwhelmed with everything they tell you. At this point, external help may be beneficial. But how can you go about suggesting your partner goes to therapy ? 

Dr. Touroni explains: "Choose a private space—somewhere they’ll be comfortable and where you won’t be disturbed. Talk about your own experiences if you’ve had therapy before. Be validating and compassionate—mention that you’ve noticed that they haven’t been acting themselves. Make it clear that you’re only sharing this because you care about them. Give them space to talk about how they’re feeling, if they want to. Offer your support in finding the right therapist."

Providing your partner with emotional support will only serve to make your relationship stronger in the long run, but there are right ways to go about things. As Cabarcas sums up, “Providing emotional support doesn't mean we take on our partner's problems nor does it mean we fix it for them. It means we sit with our loved ones, empathize with them and help them to feel that their emotions are valid. This goes a long way in establishing security and comfort in any relationship."

Different things will resonate with different people and what works for your partner might not work for somebody else. Doing your best to learn what your partner needs and providing emotional support for them through difficult times is an act of love and care that can be supportive of healing, comfort, and closeness in your relationship.

Itzchakov G, Reis H, Weinstein N. How to foster perceived partner responsiveness: High‐quality listening is key .  Social & Personality Psych . 2022;16(1). doi:10.1111/spc3.12648

McKenzie S, Collings S, Jenkin G, River J. Masculinity, social connectedness, and mental health: men’s diverse patterns of practice .  Am J Mens Health . 2018;12(5):1247-1261. doi:10.1177/1557988318772732

A Conscious Rethink

How To Deal With Unresolved Issues In A Relationship: 16 Effective Tips

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pensive unhappy couple sitting back to back illustrating unresolved issues in a relationship

Get expert help dealing with the unresolved issues in your relationship. Click here to chat online to someone right now.

Problems can’t be swept under the rug forever. At some point, they will come out and create a mess that will be hard to clean up.

Unresolved issues in a relationship could turn your fights over trivial things into arguments about something else you’ve been ignoring.

Suppose you find yourself constantly having the same fight over and over again or resenting each other for something that happened before. In that case, you likely have unresolved issues that need to be addressed.

Keep reading for some steps to deal with unresolved problems in your relationship.

1. Know that your feelings are valid.

Are you denying yourself the right to feel angry at your partner or upset about something they do? Or something they have done before?

To deal with the problems in your relationship, start by allowing yourself to feel those emotions. Don’t think that you shouldn’t feel the way you do.

Whatever you feel is okay, and you probably have justified reasons for the way you feel. If you try to bottle up your feelings instead, they will eventually spill out.

You don’t want to end up resenting your partner because you were too afraid to speak up about what’s bothering you. After all, that’s how unresolved problems stay unresolved.

You have to talk about your feelings with your partner. Start by acknowledging and validating them. You have the right to feel whatever you’re feeling, and your partner should be aware of it. Acknowledging your feelings is necessary if the issues that are causing those feelings are to go away.

2. Keep in mind that all relationships have problems.

You shouldn’t feel so bad about having problems in your relationship.

After all, all relationships experience difficulties. You and your partner shouldn’t beat yourselves up about not being able to have a “perfect relationship.” You are not perfect, and your relationship can’t be perfect either. The problems you’re experiencing aren’t a negative reflection of you; they are just something you have to work through together.

As long as you’re both willing to work on it, anything can be improved or at least managed.

In fact, it’s essential to understand that some things have to be managed and can’t be fully resolved. Don’t put pressure on yourself and your partner if you’re dealing with an unsolvable problem. Learn to accept what you cannot change and find ways to cope with it if it’s not a deal breaker.

Sometimes, there are things that you have to learn to live with if you want to continue a relationship. It’s not the end of the world if a problem persists. As already mentioned, no relationship is without flaws.

If you care about your partner and you can’t seem to fix the issue, it might be time to set new and reasonable expectations.

3. Remember that conflict is normal.

There are conflicts in all relationships from time to time. The important thing to remember is that they are rarely the fault of only one person. Try not to play the blame game and accept that you’ve both played a part in creating the problem instead.

Accept that you have different points of view and try to see things from your partner’s perspective. It’s helpful to have a proactive problem-solving attitude when it comes to conflicts. Instead of shutting down, criticizing your partner, or trying to prove them wrong, seek to make progress.

Try to be calm during conflicts because an argument shouldn’t include yelling and name-calling . If you change your attitude towards conflicts and improve how you fight, it will be easier to resolve issues.

It’s always helpful to limit accusations and aggressive attitudes. Just remember that being assertive in an argument is not the same as being aggressive.

Communicating well is a necessary part of resolving any issues, and it includes proper communication even while you’re upset or angry at each other. Try to look at conflicts as a means to an end. You are not fighting to prove a point or prove your partner wrong. You’re fighting to solve a problem.

4. Remind yourself of all the reasons why you care about your partner.

The unresolved problems in your relationship are probably bothering you. They make you feel negatively toward your partner and the relationship.

To counter these feelings, try to outweigh the negative with the positive.

Think about why you care about your partner before addressing the issue. This will help keep you calm and focused on finding solutions during conflicts. If you want to stay with your partner and save the relationship, you want to have positive feelings to motivate you.

If something has been bothering you for a while now, you might be harboring negative emotions that make you see your partner differently. So, remember why you fell in love with them in the first place and recall their good qualities.

Even if you have many problems in your relationship, if you care about each other enough, you’ll find a way to make it work.

Remind yourself why your partner is worth the trouble before you embark on a journey to solve your problems. Understand that it might take time before things are the way you’d want them to be. You don’t want to harbor negative feelings toward your partner during the time it takes to fix things.

Focus on your partner’s positive traits. Focus on everything that you love about them. It will give you the strength to fight for the relationship and the ability to remain calm enough to discuss the problems with them.

5. Identify the issues in your relationship.

So, there are problems, but are you sure you know what they are?

Are your fights really about the topic you’re fighting about? Or are they about something else that you’re trying to ignore?

Maybe you’re still upset about something that happened before. Perhaps you’re not quite sure what the problem is exactly.

Take some time to identify the issues in your relationship. It might help to talk to someone you trust about them. You could also talk to a therapist who could help you get to the root of the problem.

Maybe there is something that you thought you’d forgiven your partner for, but you’re actually still upset about it. Perhaps you are not even aware of the underlying issue that you’re upset about.

For instance, maybe you think you’re upset because your partner spends a lot of money, but you’re really upset about not being involved in financial decisions. Maybe your partner cheated on you, and you tried to forgive them, but you are still bitter about it.

Whatever the problem is in your relationship, you should spend some time thinking about it. Always try to dig deeper.

What’s on the surface might not be the real issue you’re dealing with, and you can’t fix it if you don’t know what it is exactly.

6. Consider whether the issues are deal breakers.

Not all problems are created equal. Some problems can be lived with. Others ought to spell the end of your relationship.

Ask yourself: can you live with the unresolved issues in your relationship if they happen to stay unresolved? Or are there deal breakers that you’re not willing to settle for?

Be honest with yourself and clear about what you can and can’t tolerate. If you can live with the problems in your relationship, focus on finding ways to thrive in it despite them.

If you have tried fixing them and can’t live with them, you should consider ending the relationship. Not everything can be repaired, and sometimes that’s an uncomfortable realization.

Can you stay with your partner if things don’t change? Have you tried changing them?

Keep in mind that you should be realistic when considering this. Don’t expect things to be perfect with your next partner.

If there are actual deal breakers, it might be best to end things. But if you want to end things because you’re hoping for a perfect relationship with no issues, think about it some more. There will always be problems in any relationship. It’s just a question of which you can tolerate or fix and which you can’t.

7. Consider whether there’s a bright side to it all.

Problems are inherently bad, but there’s usually a bright side. Look at things from a different perspective to see if there’s something positive in all that mess.

For instance, if you hate that you can’t count on your partner, remind yourself how much you love their spontaneity and independence. If the problem is that the relationship has gotten boring, keep in mind that it is also safe and comforting to know you can depend on someone.

Try to look at your specific problem this way, and you might discover that the issue is not as serious as it seems.

When you look at things from a negative perspective, they can feel very overwhelming. Try to maintain a positive attitude and look at things from both sides. Everything usually has upsides and downsides. If you can’t fix the problem it will be helpful to know how to make it work for you and take advantage of its bright side.

8. Don’t assume that your partner doesn’t care about you.

When you’re upset because of the problems in your relationship, you could start thinking that your partner doesn’t care about you. But do you have any evidence to support that theory, or is it clear that your partner cares about you?

Your relationship can survive the problems you’re experiencing if you both want to make it work. Don’t start thinking that the relationship is doomed. Negative thoughts like these can make you see the bad in everything.

If you want to stay in your relationship, always try to have a positive attitude. Having a positive attitude towards problems can help you realize that they’re not as big as they seem.

Having a positive attitude will help you work on the issues in your relationship and communicate with your partner more efficiently – even during arguments. The worst thing that could happen if you try this approach is that you’ll be a happier person. Try to see the good in everything.

Unless you have proof that your partner doesn’t care about you, don’t assume it just because you’re struggling with an issue in your relationship. If you believe your relationship is doomed, it probably will be at some point in the future. So try not to make problems more significant than they already are.

9. Don’t be afraid to speak up and share your thoughts.

The reason the problems you’re experiencing are left unattended may be because you’re scared to speak up about them.

Maybe you are too worried that your partner will get mad at you, or you think that they’ll shut down. Perhaps you’re assuming they’ll say that you’re overreacting or that you’re making a fuss over nothing.

If you can’t talk to your partner about the problems in your relationship, that’s just another problem that’s preventing you from resolving the rest of them.

Don’t be afraid to speak up and tell your partner what’s on your mind. Take some time to think about what you will say before talking to them, especially if you’re worried that you’ll say something wrong.

However, try not to be afraid to speak your mind around them. A relationship where you can’t be honest or discuss problems isn’t a healthy one.

Maybe this is the issue you should address first. You should feel comfortable enough around your partner to speak up about what’s bothering you, so find the courage to do that. You can’t say anything wrong around someone who loves you enough to listen to the entire story.

10. Communicate about the unresolved issues.

You can’t keep postponing the conversation that you need to have with your partner. Talk to them about the problems in your relationship and try to find a way to solve them together.

If you can’t talk about the issue, there is no way you could fix it. Open up to them and have a heart-to-heart conversation about what’s been bothering you. Help your partner see things from your point of view and consider their perspective too. Don’t point fingers or turn the conversation into a big fight. By remaining calm and assertive, it will be easier to get the message across.

You want to fix the problems in your relationship, not create new ones, and your partner should understand that. Try to be empathetic and listen to your partner’s side of the story without criticizing or blaming them. Let them open up to you and share their thoughts and feelings about the issues too.

If you’re having trouble communicating efficiently, seek the help of a relationship counselor and improve your communication skills. Don’t forget that you need to talk about the problems if you want to fix them.

11. Be prepared to forgive, negotiate, and compromise.

Some problems can be resolved simply by forgiving each other for the mistakes you’ve made so far. Be prepared and willing to let go of any resentment and truly forgive your partner, even if they have hurt you a lot. You will also need to be prepared to negotiate and make compromises.

Things might not work out exactly the way you’ve imagined, but things could get better. If your partner shows that they are willing to work on the relationship and meet you halfway, accept that. It might not resolve the issue, but it could make it easier to tolerate it. As long as they address your concerns to some extent, you will be on the right track, and that would be enough for now.

You can’t expect things to change overnight. Working on a relationship takes time, and it’s all about the small steps. You’ll get there as long as you’re looking in the same direction and walking side by side. Don’t insist that the problem be fixed immediately or expect it to happen.

Try to find happiness if you’re making progress and if your partner is willing to do something about it. Progress alone might not be enough in the long run, but it’s a huge step forward for now.

12. Work on your friendship.

To be great partners to each other, you also need to be good friends.

Work on building your friendship. Engage in fun activities together, discover shared interests, share a hobby, and go on regular dates. There are lots of fun ideas for quality time together – both inside and outside the home. And using them will help you work on the problems in your relationship.

Don’t only be romantic partners – be a team, be best friends, and work on improving your love life together. Start talking more and opening up to each other if you’ve been having trouble with that.

Most importantly, laugh more and remind yourselves of all the reasons why you enjoy each other’s company. Make each other feel loved, appreciated, and cherished.

If you can be friends and work as a team, you can do anything, including resolving your issues. So, work on deepening the bond, strengthening the connection, and truly becoming good friends that enjoy being around each other.

13. Don’t sweep problems under the rug.

Problems don’t go away when you choose to ignore them and sweep them under the rug. Start addressing issues in your relationship as soon as they appear. The sooner you fix them, the better.

What’s the point in postponing it until the problem gets bigger and more difficult to manage?

The most important part of all of this is being friends, talking about issues calmly, and working on them together. When you fight, don’t spend days not talking to each other or pouting. Have a grown-up discussion about your problems as soon as you can calmly talk about them.

If your relationship is going to last, you’ll need to figure out which issues need managing and which need resolving. Look at this as a training period for what’s yet to come.

The fact that there’ll always be some problems shouldn’t scare you; that’s just life. If you have the right attitude and effective communication in your relationship, you can overcome it all together.

14. Find ways to work on the problem together.

Remind yourself that both of you took part in creating the problem. Therefore, it’s your joint responsibility to solve it. It takes two to tango, so accept that the current state of your relationship is not only one partner’s fault. Accept your part of the blame instead of blaming your partner for everything. This is the first step to resolving the problem together.

Your partner needs to be willing to find a way to make things work. After all, you can’t fix your relationship without them. Both of you need to put an equal amount of effort into making your relationship as happy and healthy as it can be. Encourage your partner to accept their part of the blame too.

You can set a positive example with your behavior. If your partner makes progress, acknowledge it and praise them for it. Don’t forget – you’re in this together.

15. Accept your differences but work on improving yourselves.

Not all problems have a solution; you might have to accept that you and your partner have your differences. You won’t always see eye to eye, and that’s normal. Again, some problems can’t be fixed, but if you can live with them, it’s worth trying to make it work with your partner.

Relationships aren’t always smooth sailing, and no one is a saint. Sometimes you just have to agree to disagree and move past it. If you can’t find a way to fix something, you might find a way to accept it.

Maybe you’ll need to forgive your partner for something they did, or you’ll accept the bad with the good. Whatever the case may be, if you care about your partner and they feel the same way about you, don’t give up on the relationship because there are some difficulties.

Learn to be happy despite the difficulties. You can do that by putting effort into making each other happy. Work on improving yourself and your relationship because happy couples grow together in their relationships .

16. Talk to a relationship expert.

Ultimately, the most effective way to resolve issues in your relationship depends on the problem and your specific situation. Talking to someone about it might be the best idea.

A relationship counselor could give you tailored advice based on your specific circumstances. You can speak to one with or without your partner. It might be best to try out a session on your own and include your partner after the counselor is familiar with the issue.

By all means, seek the help of your loved ones as well. However, know that an experienced professional might be more objective and give you better insights into the problem.

When you want to improve your relationship, you should use all the help you can get, and there’s no shame in talking to a counselor.

If this is something you feel is right for you, speak to one of the relationships experts at Relationship Hero . You can connect with them via video, phone, or instant message to get the help and advice you need.

Click here to learn more or to talk to someone right now.

You may also like:

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  • 9 No Nonsense Tips To Help You Through Hard Times In Your Relationship
  • “My Partner Annoys Me” – 12 Tips If This Is You
  • How To Be Patient In A Relationship: 5 Highly Effective Tips
  • How To Deal With Hurtful Words In A Relationship (From Both Perspectives)

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About The Author

how to solve problem with your partner

Ana Vakos enjoys writing about love and all the problems that come with it. Everyone has experiences with love, and everyone needs dating advice, so giving these topics more attention and spreading the word means a lot to her.

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Home » Relationship Guide » How to save your relationship

The secrets to solving disagreements in relationships

In today’s culture of dating reality shows, smartphone apps and romantic comedies, it’s easy to forget one thing: relationships are work. Rarely do we “swipe right,” fall in love and automatically live happily ever after. And when the going gets tough, it’s tempting to throw in the towel, say “it wouldn’t have worked out anyway,” and move on – rather than doing the work to learn how to resolve conflict in a relationship .

Eliminate relationship conflict with the Ultimate Relationship Guide

What causes relationship conflict?

Disagreements in relationships happen for many reasons, from minor everyday conflicts like who does the dishes, to serious issues like infidelity. Some common relationship stressors include loss of attraction and passion, emotional stonewalling and loss of commitment, as well as finances, family responsibilities and insecurity . Stress in other areas of our lives also impacts our relationships : When you come home from work frustrated and exhausted or you’re dealing with conflict with other friends or family members, that stress is contagious. You must learn how to resolve conflict in all areas of your life to help your relationship.

How to save your relationship

You’re already reading about how to save your relationship , so you’ve figured out the first step: y ou must have the desire to save it. If that desire is there, you must learn how to channel it into constructive steps that can fix what is broken, resolve underlying conflicts and ultimately save your relationship.

1. Examine your focus

Focus determines direction. If you’re focused on building a beautiful passionate relationship, that’s what you’ll achieve. — Tony Robbins

Disagreements in relationships become harmful when you’re focused on defending yourself from attack rather than on solving the problem. By focusing on your pain and suffering, you are ensuring you’ll experience more of the same, because where focus goes, energy flows . A s Tony says, “Whatever we consistently focus on is exactly what we will experience in our lives.”

Years ago, Tony would take a two-lane highway lined only by power line posts at 10–20 yard intervals. One of these seemed to be perpetually decorated by flowers, candles and photographs. With so much space on either side of the post, it was amazing how many people had died or been injured hitting it. Why didn’t the victim evade it? Why didn’t they swerve to either side?

It’s because people would focus all their attention on not hitting the pole. But, our focus determines our direction. If we don’t want to hit the pole, we need to focus on what we do want: staying on the road! By changing our focus, we can change the result.

This lesson applies to how to save your relationship . If you focus on where you don’t want your relationship to end up, fighting and letting anger build, you’ll find yourself where you don’t want to be – either in a painful, unfulfilling relationship or separated from your partner altogether. If you focus on resolving conflict and growing together, you’ll get the outcomes that you do want.

2. Communicate

You’re sitting in a coffee shop. There are two couples in the shop sitting near you. The couple to your left is arguing about whether they want to go to dinner with friends. He says, “It’s never fun – you said so yourself last time.” She responds, “Of course you would say that, because they’re my friends, and you’ve never given any of my friends a chance.” He rolls his eyes, and in a very sarcastic tone says, “Here we go. War and Peace, our personal edition, volume whatever.” They turn away from each other and sit in silence.

how to resolve conflict in a relationship

The couple to your right is also discussing whether they want to go to dinner with friends. He says, “I guess I’m a little worried that it will go on for hours and that it might not be that fun. What do you think?” She says, “I get that. I really want to go, but maybe we can plan a time when we have to leave as a compromise?” She continues, touching his hand and smiling, “Besides, it will be nice to get home early.” He smiles and nods, and they continue to read and drink their coffee.

Both couples were presented with a conflict – the same conflict, in fact. But one knew how to resolve conflict in a relationship , and the other did not. One reacted by relying on bad habits and used the conflict to widen a rift between them. The other used the conflict as an opportunity to communicate their feelings and grow their relationship. Which couple do you think has the more successful, fulfilling relationship? Which relationship do you think will last longer? Communication is essential to resolving disagreements in relationships .

3. Turn conflict into opportunity

In the coffee shop example, one couple has discovered how to resolve conflict in a relationship : d on’t treat it as a competition . Why would you want your partner, the person you love, to lose? When you accept that there are no losers in love, you can let go of petty arguments and embrace healthy communication.  

Conflicts are opportunities for you and your partner to align on values and outcomes. They are chances to understand, appreciate and embrace differences. Put yourself in your partner’s place and make an effort to understand their experience. These experiences and emotions can be uncomfortable, but if we always opt for comfort then we never grow.

Conflict is also an opportunity to learn more about your partner and love them on an even deeper level. Learn to see conflicts as transitions to something better, rather than as reasons to retreat. The next time you find yourself disagreeing with your partner and wondering how to save your relationship , choose to see the positive in the situation – and actively decide to work toward a more stable future together.

4. Use humor

If you find yourself in a retaliatory spiral, a good tactic is to use humor to break the pattern. Humor can release tension and allow you and your partner to focus on what you both want – learning how to save your relationship – rather than on what you both don’t want, another pointless argument. If you feel an argument escalating, take a moment to derail it. Argue while talking like Christopher Walken or William Shatner. Sing a song that makes your partner laugh. Make the conflict ridiculous.

relationship conflict

To illustrate this point, let’s return to the coffee shop example. You see an older couple. The man accidentally spills his tea all over the table and some splashes onto his wife’s favorite dress. He gets up for some napkins, and she smiles and jokes aloud to the other customers, “For 20 years he’s been doing this to me – never finished a cup yet!” He comes back, dabs the tea off her and jokes back to the other patrons, “She was asking for it!” They both laugh, and you do too, along with everyone else in the shop.

Some couples would have turned the situation into an argument , but by using humor to nip the retaliatory spiral in the bud, this husband and wife seized the moment and turned it into an opportunity to practice how to resolve conflict in a relationship .

5. Ask the right questions

If you’re wondering how to save your relationship , chances are that things have been going wrong for quite some time. You need to not only dig into the past to uncover the real, deeper issues, but also look to the future. It’s all about asking yourself the right questions.  

First, ensure you’re beginning this exercise from the right mindset. The point is not to place blame, dig up old arguments or tell your partner all the things they do that annoy you. You must change your mindset to one of gratitude and acceptance. Embrace the fact that life is happening for you, not to you. Even the current state of your relationship is presenting you with the chance to learn and grow – so long as you are open to what it has to tell you.

Now you’re ready to ask yourself essential questions: Why did your relationship break down? What are the limiting beliefs you and your partner have been living by that have affected your relationship? How can you overcome them? And what do you want for the future? What will your relationship focus on?

6. Practice acceptance

Apply your new abundance mindset to your partner. All our partners have habits that annoy us, because no human being is perfect. Instead of dwelling on their negative traits, focus instead on what they bring to the table, how they make you feel and the qualities that you love. You’ll find that you’ll soon start to miss even the things that used to drive you crazy, because they are part of that whole person, your partner, whom you adore.

uncertainty in relationships

Remember the two couples at the café? The successful couple who put energy into understanding each other’s needs reaffirmed their support for one another – she supported his need to leave at a certain hour and he supported her need to socialize with friends. They communicated with each other, assessed one another’s needs and made it a fun issue to solve instead of letting something minor turn into a major argument.

Listen to your partner, understand what they’re saying and why they feel the way they do. And be accepting of yourself too: Be honest about your own feelings and emotions. Be your authentic self. Personal flaws aren’t the reason you’re asking how to save your relationship . They’re actually a powerful tool to show your partner just how much you love them.

7. Be aware of your negative patterns

Humans are creatures of habit. We all have patterns, both positive and negative, that affect our decisions and behaviors. We may automatically respond defensively to our partners or turn inward and blame ourselves for relationship conflict – closing off, but eventually exploding. Many of us resort to standbys like giving our partners space or even the silent treatment.  

If anyone asked you if you knew how to resolve conflict, you’d probably say yes, and if they asked you whether the silent treatment or ignoring the problem were smart ways to deal with conflict, you’d almost certainly say no. You know better than to resort to these silly tactics, but if you’re hurt enough, you do it anyway. Why? Why fall back on negative patterns instead of working to actually fix the communication issues at hand?

8. Work on forgiveness

seeing things from others’ perspectives

If you’re wondering how to save your relationship because your trust was broken, you’re probably feeling angry, bitter, hurt, mistrustful and a whole host of other negative emotions. If you’re the person who broke the trust, you’re feeling guilty and ashamed. You may even try to blame your partner or justify your actions. In this situation, both partners need to work on forgiveness .

You won’t just wake up one day and magically feel forgiving toward your partner. Forgiveness is a process. It’s a series of small acts – admitting mistakes, practicing total honesty and putting your partner first – that add up over time. Forgiveness takes work.

If you’re the partner that broke the trust, you must take full responsibility. Be respectful of how you hurt your partner, and give them the space they need. Put your partner first, and don’t fall into a cycle of self-blame. If your trust was broken, take some space, but continue to communicate. Let your partner know what you need to rebuild trust. Most of all, never give up.

9. Make time for touch

When you’re always fighting with your partner – when every little thing they do annoys you – it can be hard to be affectionate. But you must make time for touch. This doesn’t just mean sex – it also means cuddling on the couch during a movie, sneaking a morning hug before work and holding hands for no reason at all.

There’s a reason that touching your partner makes you feel so good: Cuddling, hugging and even holding hands cause the release of oxytocin, a “feel-good” chemical in your brain that makes you feel safe and loved. Oxytocin can lower stress, help you sleep, make you feel more connected to your partner and even decrease blood pressure. You get all those benefits just from reaching over and taking your partner’s hand.

Don’t withhold physical affection – even when you’re mad – or you could find yourself in a completely sexless marriage . If you really want to solve relationship conflict , start with physical touch. Cuddle before bedtime. Hold hands when you’re out to dinner with friends. Sneak a kiss as you’re making dinner. Physical affection isn’t a result of a happy relationship – it creates a happy relationship.

Relationships aren’t easy. We are all human – and humans make mistakes. We have flaws. Sometimes, we just don’t put in the work we need to and we let our relationships fall by the wayside. By the time we start looking into how to resolve conflict in a relationship , it may have been neglected for years. But remember this: Many relationships are worth saving. You just need to be willing to do the work.

Back to Ultimate Relationship Guide 

Relationship conflict FAQs

Is conflict good or bad for a relationship.

Conflict isn’t necessarily good or bad for a relationship. If both partners have good communication skills and see conflict as an opportunity to grow, learn and make the relationship stronger, conflict can even be a good thing. But when disagreements in relationships make you feel attacked or threatened, vulnerable and weak, this can make you recoil and retreat – and be very bad for your relationship. When things your partner does upset you and you feel that you’re under siege, you’re less likely to respond constructively and more likely to resort to unhealthy behaviors. This type of conflict is harmful for any relationship.

How do you know if a relationship is worth saving?

Even if you feel lost and alone, know that nearly all of the time your relationship is worth saving. You have history. You’ve been through a lot together – many relationships last years or even decades before getting to this point. Your partner knows you better than anyone else, and they will be there for you like no one else will be. If you still have fun with your partner and can’t imagine your life without them – even if you have frequent relationship conflict – that’s a strong sign your relationship is worth saving. If you have the same values, have created a shared vision for your life together and still make each other smile, it’s not yet time to let go.

Can my unhappy relationship even be saved?

When both partners are truly committed to making it work, anything is possible. It’s easy to blame relationship conflict on your partner or events outside your control, but the truth is that it’s an internal conflict. That is, many problems in relationships aren’t truly about the relationship itself and would surface no matter who you were with. Watch the video below to hear Tony talk with experts about letting go of fear, the power of forgiveness and how to save your relationship.

Want to learn how to handle conflict in a relationship?

Trade your expectation for appreciation and build a stronger bond with your partner using the 9 Keys to Passion & Intimacy .  

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The Gottman Institute

A research-based approach to relationships

Managing vs. Resolving Conflict in Relationships: The Blueprints for Success

Dr. Marni Feuerman, LCSW, LMFT

A look at three “conflict blueprints” to help you and your partner constructively manage conflict around unsolvable problems.

Managing vs. Resolving Conflict in Relationships The Blueprints for Success

In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work , Dr. John Gottman’s research proves that 69% of problems in a relationship are unsolvable. These may be things like personality traits your partner has that rub you the wrong way, or long-standing issues around spending and saving money. Their research findings emphasize the idea that couples must learn to manage conflict rather than avoid or attempt to eliminate it.

Trying to solve unsolvable problems is counterproductive, and no couple will ever completely eliminate them. However, discussing them is constructive and provides a positive opportunity for understanding and growth. Let’s look at three “conflict blueprints” to help you and your partner constructively manage conflict around unsolvable problems.

Conflict Blueprint #1: Current Conflicts

This blueprint addresses current conflicts. Based on game theory, a mathematical model that describes how to manage conflict and improve cooperation with others, this blueprint stresses that both partners put off persuasion tactics until each one can state their position clearly and fully. This involves each speaker and listener taking turns.

Both partners must be emotionally calm when speaking. The listener should take notes on what the speaker says. The speaker should focus on using a softened start-up, stating feelings by using “I” statements, and asking for needs to be met in a positive and respectful way.

Tips to effectively navigate Blueprint #1:

  • Take a 15 to 20 minute break if things get too heated, and do something soothing and distracting that will help you calm down. When you return to talk, only one person should “have the floor” to talk while the other partner listens. No interruptions!
  • Begin the conversation with a soft or curious tone. Use an “I” statement and express something you need. For example, “Could I ask you something? I felt embarrassed when you spoke down to me in front of our friends. Could you please be aware of that in the future?”
  • Use repair attempts . Say key phrases to help your partner see that you are trying to understand and deescalate the conflict. For example, you can apologize, use humor appropriately, say “I hear you” or “I understand” and so on. Body language is important, too. Nod your head, make eye contact, and even offer a physical gesture of affection.

Conflict Blueprint #2: Attachment Injuries

This blueprint focuses on discussing past emotional injuries, often known as triggers, that occurred prior to or during the relationship. Also called “ attachment injuries ” by Dr. Sue Johnson, these can create resentment from past events that have gone unresolved. These frequently involve breaches of trust.

It is crucial to avoid being negative when discussing triggers. You both need to speak calmly and understand that both of your viewpoints are valid, even if you disagree. The goals are to gain comprehension of each other’s perspective and to acknowledge that regrettable incidents are inevitable in long-term relationships.

There are five primary components to a discussion about an emotional injury. These five steps are from the Gottmans’ Aftermath of a Fight or Regrettable Incident booklet . A couple should focus on describing how they feel, expressing their individual personal realities, exploring any underlying triggers, taking responsibility and apologizing, and forming productive plans for healing.

Tips to effectively navigate Blueprint #2:

  • Offer a genuine apology to your partner regardless of your agreement or disagreement with their perspective. Focus only on the fact that you hurt your partner and that you need to take responsibility.
  • Verbalize what you can take responsibility for, as well as any other factors that played into you getting caught up in the fight. For example, “I was too harsh when I spoke to you” or “I was stressed all day and took it out on you.”
  • Ask your partner what he or she needs from you to heal and move forward. Be sure to follow through on the request.

Conflict Blueprint #3: Gridlock and Dialogue

Couples are often either “gridlocked” or “in dialogue” on their perpetual problems, and research suggests that these problems concern personality differences or core fundamental needs. Being in dialogue, the preferred status, is when the couple has learned to accept their differences on that topic even though minor arguments arise occasionally. Overall, the couple has made peace on the issue and they agree to disagree.

Moving from gridlock to dialogue involves examining the meaning and dreams that form the basis for each partner’s steadfast perspective. Each partner may be able to find a way to honor their partner’s dreams, which often amounts to fulfilling a core need regarding the issue at stake.

Those couples who successfully navigate a recurring problem in their relationship have learned to express acceptance of their partner’s personality, and they can talk about and appreciate the underlying meaning of each other’s position on the issue.

Tips to effectively navigate Blueprint #3

  • Take turns speaking and listening. As the speaker, you should communicate clearly and honestly. Where does your perspective or position on the issue come from, and what does it symbolize for you? What kinds of lifelong dreams or core issues are at stake for you?
  • As the listener, you must create a safe space for the speaker. No judging or arguing, and don’t give advice or try to solve the problem. Show genuine interest in what your partner is telling you, and allow them enough time and space to fully communicate their concerns. Ask questions so that you can both fully explore the issue and its related meaning.
  • Find ways to create small compromises that can pave the way to larger plans. If your dreams differ, try to find areas where they overlap, or try to make plans to give each partner’s dreams a chance to grow and become reality.

All relationships have perpetual problems that crop up throughout your lives as a couple. Psychologist Dan Wile once said that “when choosing a long-term partner, you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unresolvable problems.” No one escapes this fact. Fortunately, we have real science that helps couples learn how to manage such conflicts and keep their love alive and well.

Click here for more detailed information on Dealing with Conflict and for tips and exercises designed to improve your relationship.

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Dr. Marni Feuerman, LCSW, LMFT is in private practice in Boca Raton, Florida where she specializes in couples therapy. Dr. Marni is certified in Emotionally-Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) and Discernment Counseling. She also blogs on About.com, Huffington Post and Dr. Oz’s ShareCare. For more information, visit her website .

how to solve problem with your partner

Conflict Resolution in Relationships & Couples: 5 Strategies

Conflict resolution relationships

While conflict is not uncommon, if left unresolved along with related stress, it can damage the bonds that form between people (Overall & McNulty, 2017).

If we accept that all partners will disagree at times, we must also recognize that it is crucial to find a resolution to ensure that the relationship’s health is maintained (Grieger, 2015).

This article explores conflict and its resolution in couples and other relationships, introducing key strategies and activities to help avoid or recover from any harm done.

Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our three Positive Communication Exercises (PDF) for free . These science-based tools will help you and those you work with build better social skills and better connect with others.

This Article Contains:

Is conflict resolution important for healthy relationships, how to resolve conflicts in relationships: 4 steps, 5 helpful strategies for couples & married people, 5 exercises, activities, & worksheets for couples therapy, resources from positivepsychology.com, a take-home message.

Conflict need not always lead to damage. Challenge and disagreement within a relationship (romantic or otherwise) can encourage growth, deeper understanding, improved communication , and progress toward a goal (Overall & McNulty, 2017; Tatkin, 2012).

But this is not always the case.

The most critical aspect of conflict affecting the health of a relationship is its resolution. There will always be disagreement and differences of opinion of one kind or another. However, to avoid a loss of trust, damage to intimacy, or behavior that further upsets the relationship, “the couple will want to make sure that the resolution does not leave lingering hurt or resentment in one or both of them” (Grieger, 2015, p. 161).

Clinical psychologist Russell Grieger (2015) suggests that disagreements have four possible outcomes:

  • The outcome is good for the first person, but not the second. This is a win–lose situation. One person gets what they want, while the other is left defeated, possibly feeling hurt, angry, and resentful. Such feelings may lead to further disagreements or surface in other areas of the relationship.
  • The outcome benefits the second person, but not the first. This is similar to the first possible outcome, only this time it is the first person within the relationship who is left feeling thwarted or slighted (a lose–win scenario).
  • The outcome is bad for both people. The third option is bad for both people; they equally face loss (lose–lose). Often a result of stubbornness on both sides when neither wants the other to ‘win,’ so neither will give in . Again, this is damaging for the relationship and, if ongoing or repeated, ultimately toxic.
  • A resolution is found that is appropriate for both people. The couple or partners work toward an equally beneficial resolution and achieve a win–win outcome. Neither person is left feeling defeated or damaged, leading to increased confidence and trust in the relationship .

Undoubtedly, the fourth option is the most ideal for a long-term, healthy partnership and avoids the potential for a downward spiral in the relationship (Grieger, 2015). When in response to conflict, a win–win outcome leads to growth and moving forward.

Steps to resolve conflict

  • Step 1 – Eliminate relationship disturbances Firstly, it is vital to remove or at least reduce emotions that will get in the way of conflict resolution, such as hurt, anger, and resentment.

Otherwise, either side is unlikely to listen patiently and openly to what the other is saying.

  • Step 2 – Commit to a win–win posture Each party must commit to finding a solution that works equally for both. One side winning while the other loses is not acceptable. The couple must remain motivated and open to change.
  • Step 3 – Adopt purposeful listening A win–win solution is more likely when each partner is actively listening to the other. Each individual knows what a win looks like for themselves but now must purposefully listen to the other, avoiding censorship or judgment.

Once both have a shared understanding, a win–win solution is possible.

  • Step 4 – Practice synergistic brainstorming The couple can progress toward identifying a workable resolution, having removed any emotional contamination, adopted a win–win mindset, and fully committed to a win for both.

The couple can share ideas, hopes, needs, goals, and concerns until finding a solution that satisfies both of them.

how to solve problem with your partner

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Conflict can become an unhealthy habit, leading to a repeating pattern of one or both partners consistently feeling they have lost (Grieger, 2015).

It’s important to consider what brought the couple together in the first place and what they can do more or less of to show their love and understand one another better going forward.

Launching and landing rituals

Heading out to work, school, or the store is described as launching , a time when one partner leaves the relationship world for the non-relationship world (Tatkin, 2012).

Launchings and landings (returning to the relationship) can be an opportunity for conflict or the perfect chance to build healthy relationship-building habits.

Ask yourself or your client:

  • Do you run out the door?
  • Do you give a lingering kiss and share a moment?
  • Do you return, slamming the door as you come in and ask what’s for dinner?
  • Do you walk in with a smile and a funny story to tell?

What is right for one couple may not be for the next. It is essential to consider the message sent by each partner’s behavior. An enjoyable farewell and return can, in time, improve connections and reduce the risk of conflict.

Blueprint for love

Caddell (2013) describes the importance of building a blueprint for love. Conflict often arises from misunderstandings or a failure to consider the other’s needs and wishes.

Understanding what a loving relationship looks like to your partner may make it easier to recognize what upsets or frustrates them.

Use the Blueprint for Love worksheet to reflect on how a relationship’s blueprint for love might look.

The exercise begins by asking the client to think of a couple from their past who had a loving relationship. It may be their parents, or they can choose two other people who showed love, acceptance, and caring for one another. Then the person considers what they are looking for in a relationship.

Nothing swept under the rug

Conflict is often unavoidable and sometimes outside of our control. However, how we respond to disagreements, harsh words, and arguments is .

Tatkin (2012, p. 155) suggests couples should adopt the “policy never to avoid anything, no matter how difficult.” Not leaving things to fester and returning at a later date requires paying attention to one another and recognizing what is sensitive for the other person.

Aim to discuss and agree on a mutually beneficial outcome as soon as possible after an issue occurs. If that’s not possible, then agree when it can be discussed.

Revisiting the past

Sometimes couples forget what they saw in each other when they first met. Instead, they become wrapped up in repeating patterns of arguing, disagreements, and conflict.

Revisiting the past can serve as a helpful reminder of what is good about a couple and review why they are together (Williams, 2012).

Ask the couple to consider and discuss the following relationship therapy questions :

  • What made you fall in love with each other?
  • What were your early years like together?
  • How were things better then?
  • How are things better now?
  • How do you currently show your partner that you care?
  • What does your partner do that makes you feel loved?
  • What caring behaviors can you do more of or start?

Focus on good communication

Clear, open, and complete dialogue is crucial to a successful relationship and reducing conflict. Sharing and understanding are best achieved when we are not projecting our own beliefs about a partner or what they are going to say but genuinely paying attention to verbal and nonverbal behavior (Hannah, Luquet, Hendrix, Hunt, & Mason, 2005).

Effective listening takes practice. Focus on your partner, what they have to say, and how they act; do not divide attention by looking at your phone or people passing by. Hear what they are saying and how they say it, rather than attending to your own thoughts. And crucially, be comfortable with moments of silence and practice nonjudgment.

Exercises for couples therapy

Yet this can lead to any resolution being preferable to none due to the fear or discomfort of conflict.

To break out of the lose–win, win–lose, or lose–lose pattern often experienced in a relationship, each partnership must find their own path to achieving a win–win outcome (Grieger, 2015).

The following couples therapy exercises help to remove obstacles in the way of achieving positive outcomes in order to better understand how to ensure both partners win:

Removing relationship disturbances

Existing relationship disturbances can negatively affect finding an appropriate conflict resolution.

Ask each partner to complete the Removing Relationship Disturbances worksheet.

The exercise begins by each partner identifying existing disagreements and conflicts in their relationship and the emotional reactions that accompany them.

Couples answer the following:

  • What do we disagree about?
  • How do I emotionally react?
  • How does my partner emotionally react?

To help with this exercise, couples can think about times when they experienced hurt, upset, anger, insecurity, and fear.

Next, they consider what they could do to remove such disturbances, being specific. What actions could resolve the problem causing these emotional reactions?

Agree to a Win–Win Mindset

Finding a better outcome to conflict requires adopting a win–win mindset. Grieger (2015) suggests rather than asking yourself, “How can I get what I want?” ask, “How can we get what we want?”

This change in approach requires a commitment from both partners to find solutions to problems that lead to mutual satisfaction.

Ask each partner to complete the Agree to a Win–Win Mindset and sign off on the following:

I, ____________________________, commit to adopting a win–win mindset where I work toward outcomes from current and future disagreements so that we both get what we want and need.

Tell them that to achieve a win–win outcome from conflicts, they need to commit to the mindset that they want to reach satisfactory results from all aspects of their relationship.

Once they have both physically signed up, put the sheet somewhere visible in the house to remind both parties that a new mindset is required throughout the relationship, now and in the future.

Listening With Purpose

To understand what a win means for the other person during conflict or a disagreement, it is essential to listen well, forming a deep understanding of their needs, hopes, fears, and wishes.

Use the Listening With Purpose worksheet to capture what winning looks like for both partners in a relationship before considering the next steps.

The couple should take some time, preferably in a place where they both feel safe and comfortable, to discuss what outcome they would like from the existing disagreement.

Without judgment and allowing each person the opportunity to talk openly, they should be able to share what they want. Remember, there is no right or wrong answer – only a true reflection of needs.

Brainstorming for Synergy

Compromise is essential in any relationship, particularly during conflict. Each partner must consider giving something up of similar value so that they meet somewhere in the middle (Grieger, 2015).

Use the Brainstorming for Synergy worksheet to encourage bouncing ideas off each other until the couple finds a win for both partners.

Capture the following:

  • What is the disagreement about?
  • What does a win for each person look like?
  • Brainstorm ideas that could lead to mutual satisfaction.

Often, resolutions to conflict and disagreement feel like a win to both parties; this is a win–win situation. The couple’s goal should be for mutual satisfaction.

Regular Couple Check-Ups

We have regular check-ups for our physical wellbeing, so why not for our relationship health? Without regular monitoring, we don’t know if we are doing things right or wrong for the relationship and avoiding unnecessary conflict.

Grieger (2015) suggests the beginning of the month is a great time to attend to the health of the relationship. Use the Regular Couple Check-Ups worksheet to take stock honestly and openly and make plans for keeping the relationship on track or shake things up a little.

Ask each partner to consider the following questions together or apart:

  • What is working well in the relationship, and what should we keep doing?
  • What is working okay in the relationship that we could improve?
  • What are we not doing that we need to start?
  • What are we not doing so well and need to stop, improve, or replace?

The check-ups must be approached with an open, win–win mindset. This is not an opportunity to score points, but to perform a relationship health check and move forward in a positive way.

Couples therapist: 5 steps to repair conflict in your relationship

If you’re looking for more tools to help your clients strengthen their relationships, be sure to check out three of our hand-picked exercises from the Positive Psychology Toolkit©, which you can download for free in our 3 Positive Relationships Exercises Pack .

Here’s a quick snapshot of what’s included:

  • Connecting with Others by Self-Disclosure In this exercise, clients practice answering questions that require personal disclosure. With one person acting as a listener while the other speaks, it is an opportunity for clients to get comfortable with the vulnerability inherent in self-disclosure as a means to strengthen intimacy and connection.
  • Identifying our Expert Companions This exercise introduces clients to the notion of an expert companion as someone who can listen and help guide them through challenging times. In it, clients will discover the qualities inherent in their ideal expert companion and identify someone in their life who is best suited to fill this valuable role.
  • The Sound Relationship House Inspection This exercise teaches couples the nine elements of the Sound Relationship House (SRH) as a metaphor for the functioning of their relationship. By having each partner rate their perception of the nine elements, couples will clarify areas of agreement and aspects of the relationship that would benefit from greater nurturing and attention.

Try out these powerful tools for yourself by downloading the exercise pack today.

Additional reading we recommend includes:

  • 14 Conflict Resolution Strategies & Techniques for the Workplace This article about conflict resolution in the workplace is a helpful additional read, especially where couples work together. Whether it is working in the family business or working from home, these can cause conflict so be sure to have a look at this article too.

Conflict is a natural part of life. While it is not always damaging, it plays an inevitable role in every relationship.

Indeed, “all couples have disagreements. It is impossible to avoid them. It is how they handle them that will make or break their relationship” (Grieger, 2015, p. 164).

While couples should try to avoid a repeating pattern of conflict, when conflict is inevitable, they should seek a solution that leaves neither party feeling unfairly treated, hurt, or angry. If the resolution leaves one person feeling slighted or resentful, it can creep into other areas of the relationship.

A win–win outcome is most likely when we commit to fairness and listen to one another with open minds and hearts. We must use what we hear and what we already know of the other person to work together and find a solution where no one is left feeling they have lost.

While it is essential to avoid unnecessary conflict, it is helpful to develop an environment in which a couple can flourish and adopt a compassionate, trusting outlook that avoids damage or aids healing when conflict is unavoidable.

These strategies, worksheets, and exercises, teamed with the desire to grow and develop as a couple, provide a way to resolve conflict and form deeper bonds.

We hope you enjoyed reading this article. Don’t forget to download our three Positive Communication Exercises (PDF) for free .

  • Caddell, J. (2013). Your best love: The couple’s workbook and guide to their best relationship. Author .
  • Grieger, R. (2015). The couples therapy companion: A cognitive behavior workbook . Routledge, Taylor & Francis Group.
  • Hannah, M. T., Luquet, W., Hendrix, H., Hunt, H., & Mason, R. C. (2005). Imago relationship therapy: Perspectives on theory . Jossey-Bass.
  • Overall, N. C., & McNulty, J. K. (2017). What type of communication during conflict is beneficial for intimate relationships? Current Opinion in Psychology , 13 , 1–5.
  • Tatkin, S. (2012). Wired for love: How understanding your partner’s brain and attachment style can help you defuse conflict and build a secure relationship . New Harbinger.
  • Williams, M. (2012). Couples counseling: A step by step guide for therapists . Viale.

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What our readers think.

Edosa Ekhator

Thank you for this beautiful article. What happens when the other party don’t want to communicate but wants some space.

Caroline Rou

Thanks for your question. Sadly, we do not have any control over the way that others choose to communicate with us. We do, however, have full agency over the way that we act in response to another person’s communication style.

It’s important to remember that a conversation probably won’t be very productive if the parties involved have different needs at that moment, so it is probably best to wait until everyone involved is ready to discuss.

I hope this helps!

-Caroline | Community Management

Jess

In my relationship, I like to resolve things quickly, but my partner tends to push things off and never takes the initiative to start these conversations. It leaves me feeling resentful, even though I want to respect his desire to take space. How is a good way of addressing this?

Julia Poernbacher

It’s understandable that you’re feeling frustrated in this situation. Communication is crucial in any relationship, and it can be challenging when the ways you and your partner handle conflicts differ. Here are a few suggestions that might help:

– Express your feelings: Start by letting your partner know how you’re feeling, using “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory. For instance, you might say, “I feel a bit upset when we don’t resolve our disagreements promptly, and it often leaves me feeling resentful.” – Understanding each other’s needs: It’s important to understand that people have different ways of processing emotions and conflicts. Your partner might need more time to think things through, while you might prefer addressing issues immediately. Discuss these differences openly and try to understand each other’s needs. – Find a compromise: Based on your understanding of each other’s needs, try to find a middle ground. Perhaps you could agree to give your partner some space to process, but they also agree to initiate a conversation about the issue within a certain timeframe. – Seek professional help: If these conversations are difficult or if you can’t seem to find a compromise, you might find it helpful to seek guidance from a relationship counselor.

Remember, it’s perfectly normal for couples to have different conflict resolution styles. The key is to communicate openly, understand each other’s needs, and find a compromise that works for both of you.

Best of luck, Julia | Community Manager

Alemnesh Gutema megersaa

Please help me my marriage is divorced before 1 year.i have very regret.so how I can be resolved.the problem

Nicole Celestine, Ph.D.

Hi Alemnesh,

I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling regret. Have you considered speaking with someone, perhaps a coach, therapist, or even a good friend, about your feelings surrounding the relationship? Of course, what to do next largely depends on the circumstances surrounding the end of the relationship, but perhaps sharing your concerns with someone you can trust may give you some insight or encouragement to help you move forward, whether that means looking to move on or trying to rekindle the relationship.

I wish you all the best.

– Nicole | Community Manager

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how to solve problem with your partner

This Is the Best Way To Fight With Your Partner, According to Psychologists

W hen it comes to relationships , conflict is inevitable. But it doesn’t have to be emotionally distressing or callous. Couples can disagree and, yes, even fight while still showing compassion and respect for each other, according to psychologists.

In fact, clinical psychologist Deborah Grody says, married couples who don’t have any conflict are often the ones who end in divorce. “Relationships that can’t be saved are relationships where the flame has completely gone out, or it wasn’t there in the first place,” she says. When one or both partners are indifferent toward their relationship, they don’t care enough to even fight, according to Grody.

That said, frequent heated and hurtful conflict is certainly not healthy or sustainable, either. You can have conflicts with your partner in a constructive way, and it may actually bring you closer together, according to a 2012 paper published by the Society for Personality and Social Psychology. Researchers found that expressing anger to a romantic partner caused the short-term discomfort of anger, but also incited honest conversations that benefited the relationship in the long run.

If you want to navigate conflict with your partner in a healthier and more productive way, keep these things in mind during your next argument :

Be curious about your fights

During counseling sessions, Noam Ostrander, an associate professor of social work at DePaul University, often asks couples, “What does the 5:30 fight look like on weekdays?”

“They sort of smile because they know,” says Ostrander. That’s because, Ostrander says, couples often have the same fight over and over — almost following a script — without solving anything.

A common cause of “the 5:30 fight,” Ostrander says, is one partner wanting to tell the other about their day, and the other partner avoiding it — needing a minute to decompress after getting home from work. This likely leads to one partner accusing the other of not caring about them, and the other partner feeling attacked.

Instead, Ostrander encourages couples to pinpoint what triggers this repetitive fight, and try out ways to compromise instead of allowing the conflict to erupt. Rather than following the same old script, notice that you fight when one person gets home, and suggest a new way around that. “You can say, ‘What if we just pause, say hello or kiss hello, give it 15 minutes, and come back together,’” Ostrander says. This way, both partners can communicate that they do want to hear about the other person’s day and together, find the best way to do that.

Want to build a meaningful connection that lasts? Sign up for TIME’s guide to relationships.

Schedule a time for conflict

Despite having even the most open lines of communication , conflicts are still bound to happen. And when they do, it’s helpful to choose a time to talk through problems, according to Grody. “If you start to have a fight, say, ‘Let’s pick it up this evening, or another time when there’s time to discuss things,’” she says.

Setting aside time to work out disagreements allows both partners the space to regroup and prepare, Grody explains. They can think about the best way to communicate their feelings in a calmer, more rational way, so as to avoid the instinct of being defensive or accusatory. “Most of the time, things are said on impulse in the heat of anger,” says Grody. “But the words stay with us.”

Call a timeout if you or your partner needs one

During an argument, it’s common for one or both partners to enter “fight, flight or freeze” mode, according to Ostrander. Humans enter one of these modes when they think they may be in danger, he says. “Fight or flight” refers to when stress hormones activate to give people more energy to either fight the stressor or run from the situation. And “freeze” mode occurs when a person simply does not react at all, in hopes that the stressor loses interest in the fight, he says.

When a couple is in this precarious zone, problem solving is highly unlikely, because each person is solely focused on reacting to the perceived threat they feel from their partner. And if only one person is in the “fight, flight or freeze” mode, while the other is trying to resolve the issue, it can frustrate both people and escalate the fight, Ostrander says.

“If you’re really upset with someone and they’re trying to problem solve, it can feel like they’re not even listening,” he says. “I often encourage, in those moments, that someone needs to call a timeout.”

And you can frame this timeout in a way that doesn’t make your partner feel like you’re simply walking away. “Perhaps somebody says, ‘Okay, I want to have this conversation. I need like 10 minutes to calm down. I love you, I’m not going anywhere,’” Ostrander says. “‘We’re going to come back to this, we’re going to figure it out.’”

When returning to the discussion after the brief hiatus, both people will be in a better place to make real progress, Ostrander says.

Get the latest career, relationship and wellness advice to enrich your life: sign up for TIME’s Living newsletter.

Make requests instead of complaints

Fights often start with the same two words: “You always.” Rather than asking their partner to do something they’d like them to do, like cleaning up around the house, people jump to make accusations, according to Ostrander.

“You’re not getting what you want, because of how you’re asking for it,” he says. It’s easier for people to ask their partner why they never do something than it is to simply request that they do it.

Saying, “I’m not feeling great. I’m stressed about the way the house looks. Would you mind picking some stuff up?” is more direct and respectful than putting your loved one down for his or her failure to meet your need, Ostrander says. It’s also more likely to result in your partner completing the task.

Listen, and ask your partner for clarification

When the time comes to sit down and talk about solving conflicts, Grody says the most important thing couples can do is to listen — without interrupting. This can be more challenging than it seems. If your loved one says he or she doesn’t feel heard, for example, you should listen until your partner is finished speaking, according to Grody. Then, ask for clarification if there is something you don’t quite understand.

Asking, “what makes you feel like I’m not listening?” is a much more tactful way to address your partner’s complaint than simply saying, “well, I’m listening, so you should feel heard,” Grody says. Making sure you’re holding eye contact and positioning your body toward your partner when he or she is speaking will also signal that you are listening. These small adjustments can prevent countless fights down the road, Grody says.

And of course, during any fight, insults and character assassinations should be avoided at all costs, according to Grody. “Once it gets to the point where there’s name calling and things like that, the discussion should stop,” she says. “It’s not going to go anywhere.” Couples can come back to the conversation when both parties have had time to cool down.

Learn the right way to apologize to your partner

Just as people have different love languages , Ostrander says we have different apology languages, too. It’s not enough to recognize that you’ve hurt your loved one and you owe them an apology: You have to know them enough to tailor your apology to their needs, according to Ostrander.

“Some people want big gestures and some people want, ‘I’m really sorry I hurt your feelings, and I will take steps not to do that again,’” says Ostrander. “The process is figuring out what’s meaningful for your partner.”

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The Surprisingly Simple Way To Solve Your #1 Relationship Problem

How to get exactly what you need without tricks or manipulation..

By Susan Allan Last updated on Feb 14, 2024

Couple connection on an emotional level

Each couple may rate a different relationship problem as the #1 cause of their misery, frustration, and suffering. But most couples report a lack of intimacy as the biggest nightmare for them because any marriage or partnership without emotional and physical bonding feels like two siblings living in the same house, two friends who are housemates, or two people who aren’t friends anymore who are stuck living in the same house! Who wants that? Noone!

For most couples, living without enough emotional and physical intimacy may be fine when they think about reaching their 90th birthday, but for many elderly couples, loving and intimate touch is a requirement for staving off the depression that often morphs into a chronic disease. A client recently admitted his shoulder always hurts and has hurt for years. What he didn’t know is hot sex can often eliminate all physical pain for hours. His wife has given him “the cold shoulder for eight years,” so his shoulder pain is not a coincidence.

Whether the lack of intimacy is linked to emotional, biochemical, or physical changes in either partner, there are effective solutions.

RELATED: How To Prevent Your Spouse From 'Quiet Quitting' Your Marriage

How to solve the relationship problem at the core of your struggles

1. ​when compassion goes, passion no longer flows..

The #1 reason physical intimacy disappears is not physical. It is a lack of compassion . Whether this is a problem for you or your partner, your marriage suffers and will struggle to survive. Learn to give your partner empathy with kind and loving words and actions, and little by little or all at once, you will find yourself being touched and loved again.

2. Empathy is the #1 Solution to Regaining Emotional and Physical Intimacy

Regaining emotional and physical intimacy requires some steps and some examples. To get started, here are some scripts that have worked for thousands of my clients.

3. Connecting to emotions

A couple who had grown apart, and the husband has begun to learn a few simple empathy sentences to bridge the gap between him and his wife.

“I know that lately, we’ve been pretty disconnected, and I’m guessing you’ve felt frustrated because you deserve to have me understand what you’re feeling, right?

“YES!” she says rather shocked.

“When I forgot date night for the last two months you probably assumed I was no longer interested in being romantic with you, yes?”

“Well…..” she replies.

“And when I went fishing with my friends and didn’t suggest that you and I take a romantic trip soon, you may have thought our marriage was in trouble, right, dear?”

“Yes, you do!” she says, feeling the pain she has been swallowing for months.

When your partner begins to connect to their feelings of disappointment, discouragement, or even anger, that’s a good sign.

RELATED: 8 Ways To Protect The Spark In Your Marriage

4. Introduce the new you

Husband: “I hope you would enjoy planning a vacation during which I can show you how much you mean to me!” he says to her with a twinkle in his eye.

Wife: “Wow, who are you?” she laughs, still snarky and distrusting.

He continues being sweet and open instead of reacting to her sarcasm and says, “It’s still me, honey, just the improved version, or perhaps this is the original model. The guy you married!”. She laughs, and the ice is broken.

couple connected and comminucating

Photo via Getty

5. Be there for your person

A second example shows the wife has also learned a few examples of offering empathy to her partner and will allow them to get back on track very quickly once he hears her new energy and affection.

“Honey, I know you’ve been feeling exhausted from your work, right?” she says.

“Yes, I could sleep for a week!” he says.

She replies, “I would love us to go to the beach this weekend so you can sleep and relax and have no responsibilities at all, and if your work schedule is still too much right now, let’s go as soon as you can, OK?” You can imagine how her husband will respond to this,

“FANTASTIC!” he says.

Few of us know what to say to someone very upse t, and since we aren’t taught how to be peaceful and loving and silently support or how to “be there” for someone in pain, learning these simple phrases can begin to transform any challenging marriage or partnership into one of love, trust, and deeper commitment.

RELATED: The Subtle (But Powerful) Way Partners Ask For Love & Attention — And How To Respond

6. With empathy, we guess how they are feeling and what they need. We do not ask, and we do not tell.

  • “(Name), I know you promised to ______________ this week, and I’ve seen how much work you have at the office; would you rather do this next week or the week after; just let me know.”
  • “Honey, I’m guessing you feel exhausted, and you need to rest this weekend, yes?”
  • “Sweetie, it seems that you may feel overwhelmed and you’d like some help with ___________; do I understand?”
  • “(Name) I’ve watched you working so hard this month, I’m guessing you would like me to _________, right?”
  • “Honey, I’ve been working so hard for the last month, and I get you feel bored, and you’d love to go out with your friends this weekend, yes?”

emotionally connected couple

Empathy always works, and it clears the air every time. The only thing to consider is how much empathy you offer your partner in a specific situation. It varies from partner to partner and changes based on how upset, angry, frustrated, scared, or sad they might be. Continue offering empathy until you feel a shift in your partner, a release, and you may suddenly see a smile or get a huge hug, which tells you that you are back on track together as a loving couple.

RELATED: How Couples That Stay Together Forever Manage Conflict

Susan Allan is a Life Coach whose Evolution Revolution® Trainings offer proven tools to experience joy, and happiness and let go of suffering.

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How to Stop Having Those Same Silly Fights With Your Partner

There are ways to meet somewhat near the middle, experts say.

A photo illustration of a white crew sock with black stripes and a design showing the silhouettes of a couple arguing. The sock is against a bright green background.

By Jancee Dunn

My husband and I have had a recurring fight since the Clinton administration. He has a habit of shedding his socks and leaving them, like discarded snakeskin, near — but not in — the hamper. Sometimes a pile accumulates, and soon takes on a mulch-like quality. I ask why he can’t seem to reach the hamper. He wonders why I turn this trivial matter into an issue. Cue fight; repeat for decades. Another involves our divergent approaches to loading a dishwasher.

Most people in relationships can name at least one similar skirmish that breaks out regularly, sometimes over the course of many years. A couples therapist once told me that two of his clients had spent 20 years tussling over the “right” place to hang their kitchen towel. I wonder, sometimes, if they’re still at it.

For this Valentine’s Day weekend, I bring you the comforting news that even married Zen monks get in these silly fights.

Koshin Paley Ellison and Chodo Robert Campbell are the co-founders of the New York Zen Center for Contemplative Care and have been married for 16 years. (Soto Zen monks are allowed to marry.) Dr. Paley Ellison is also a Jungian psychotherapist and the author of “Untangled: Walking the Eightfold Path to Clarity, Courage and Compassion,” published last year. And he has a morning habit of making oatmeal, cleaning the pan and leaving the pan on the draining board rather than putting it back in the kitchen cabinet.

“I’ll call Koshin at work and say, ‘Hello, I’m throwing the pan away,’” Campbell joked, adding that his husband never closes the bathroom cabinet door, either. “For years. Oh, my God! Why would you just leave it open?”

Patricia Lamas Alvarez, a couples therapist from South Pasadena, Calif., said that these sorts of low-stakes but incessant fights are “often about the little everyday things, like house organization, shared labor, kids or chores, which can become a gridlock issue.” These squabbles can lead to a self-reinforcing negative loop in which both people become fixated on winning, she said.

How, then, do we resolve these spats? Maybe we can’t stop having them forever, but there are ways to meet at least somewhat near the middle.

Check your facts

The next time your partner does something that sets you off, Dr. Paley Ellison said, ask yourself a simple question: “What is the story I’m telling myself right now?” Follow up, he said, by asking yourself: “Is it true? How do I know it’s true?”

The story I tell myself about why my husband doesn’t toss his discarded socks in the hamper is that he’s lazy. Or that he’s cackling at the thought of my disgusted face as I scoop them up. The reality is that he’s chronically absent-minded — the sort of person who once put a bag of garbage bound for the trash bin into the back seat of the car and drove off. Half the time, he doesn’t even remember that he took off his socks.

Sometimes when you share the story you’re telling yourself with your partner, Dr. Paley Ellison said, it is so wildly off-base that you both have to laugh.

Ask yourself: What is actually bothering me about this?

Pick a calm moment, sit down with each other “and ask what this is really about,” said Talal Alsaleem, a couples counselor from Rosedale, Calif. Both people should get a chance to share their perspectives without interruption. “I give notepads to my clients,” he said, “so if they’re really dying to comment on what their partner is saying, they can write it down.”

Then, try to explore what is actually bugging you. Because often — surprise! — that fight is not really about the dishes. “It’s safer to fight about taking out the garbage versus all the other things you should be fighting about,” Dr. Alsaleem said. “It’s easier to focus on these issues because they’re a bit more tangible than talking about feelings. It’s more difficult to say, ‘I don’t feel we’re connected,’ or ‘I don’t feel that I’m valued.’”

Delve deeper, Alvarez added, by asking yourself questions like: “What feeling does this bring up for me? Is it something I felt in childhood? Where else have I felt this need not to give up?” Then share these insights with your partner.

Do what’s best for your stress levels

“I don’t like it when people wear their shoes in my house,” Dontea’ Mitchell-Hunter, a therapist based in Atlanta, said. “So I literally have to tell myself: ‘OK, if they do this, is this the end of the world? Can this problem be resolved? Yes, I can vacuum.’ So is it worth flipping out and yelling about a problem that can be fixed with less stress?’”

Sometimes it’s easier on your mental health, Mitchell-Hunter said, to accept some of your partner’s quirks. “Look at the whole picture,” she said. “Surrender, and be like: ‘It doesn’t matter how the dishwasher is loaded, as long as the dishes get clean.” You can be grateful your partner loaded it, she added, so you didn’t have to.

Attack the problem, not each other

You may think it’s ridiculous that your partner constantly gets upset over something that seems trivial to you, but recognize that the feelings it brings up are real.

When we’re angry with someone, “that anger often objectifies others, erasing their complex humanity,” Dr. Paley Ellison writes in “Untangled.” Remind yourself, he said, that this person you love is in distress.

Then work to solve the problem by finding something that you agree on, Alvarez said, even if your only starting point is “we agree that we shouldn’t be fighting about this thing.” Already, she added, that signals that you’re collaborating.

From there, tackle the problem together. Try and find an aspect of the issue that you both can be flexible about, Alvarez said. As you go through each point of contention, offer a concession.

If you remain coolheaded and collaborative, the answer might be right in front of you. If you can’t agree on the “correct” place to hang a kitchen towel, it may be as simple, Alvarez said, as “one person gets a towel their way for a month, and then the other person does.”

Know that in some cases, no one is ‘right’

In the book “Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship,” Terrence Real , a couples counselor, writes that many people waste time and energy squaring off over the “true” version of certain events in their relationships, when there isn’t one.

Being preoccupied with “ferreting out which point of view is ‘valid’ is a trap,” he writes. “There’s no place for objective reality in personal relationships.” He says there may not necessarily be one true reality, only two subjective realities. (The website for the appliance manufacturer Whirlpool, however, does feature an incredibly precise guide to loading the dishwasher.)

And as a friend of mine told me, “I’d much rather fight about how I leave my coffee cups all over the house than ‘Why are you sleeping with Linda?’”

Tell us about your silly fights: What minor argument do you have with your partner, over and over? Drop me a line at [email protected] and let me know. I may use your contribution in a future newsletter.

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Q: There were a number of news articles about cadmium and lead in dark chocolate recently, and it made me incredibly anxious as someone who eats very dark chocolate every day — including during my pregnancy and breastfeeding! What would experts say about how much I should worry?

Read the answer: Do I Need to Avoid Dark Chocolate Now? Do you have a question for our health editors? Submit here .

Sleep Week is coming.

Every morning, the first thing my husband and I discuss is how many hours of sleep we got — so I’m excited to announce that over at Wirecutter, The Times’s product review site, our colleagues will be talking about all things sleep next week. Their team spends hundreds of hours each year researching and testing mattresses, bedsheets, sleep-tracking apps and other products designed to help you get better rest. By signing up for Wirecutter’s Top Picks newsletter, you’ll get access to exclusive Sleep Week deals, advice and tips from people who — imagine — get paid to sleep.

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Jenny Marder shows how to strengthen your core , no crunches required.

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Let’s keep the conversation going. Follow Well on Instagram , or write to me at [email protected] .

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A Guide to Better Romantic Relationships

Looking to build a long-lasting partnership we can help..

Overwhelmed by dating apps, profiles and not-quite-matches? Here’s how to start fresh .

We asked 14 psychologists, counselors and therapists for book recommendations that can help nourish relationships. These seven titles rose to the top of the list .

Ignoring a partner in favor of your phone, or “phubbing,” can lead to feelings of distrust and ostracism. Here’s how to stop .

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More From Forbes

A psychologist explains how couples can defeat the ‘motherhood penalty’.

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As women juggle their career and family responsibilities, they often find themselves stretched thin. ... [+]

Women make up nearly half of the workforce in the United States and a significant portion of these women are mothers. According to a 2023 report , approximately 71% of mothers with children at home are employed. Additionally, the Center for American Progress notes that in 41% of American households with children, women serve as the primary or sole breadwinner. Despite these statistics, becoming a mother often results in decreased earnings and earning potential for women.

Research shows that the earnings gap between heterosexual spouses doubles between two years before the birth of their first child and one year after. This gap widens until the child reaches age 10 and, although it may decrease thereafter, it never fully disappears—a phenomenon known as the “Motherhood Penalty.”

To explain this, a 2020 study identified several factors contributing to the widening motherhood wage gap, estimated at approximately 3.6-3.8%.

  • Wage disparities concerning the total number of children result from mothers’ reduced work experience and missed career prospects due to childcare duties.
  • Conversely, disparities linked to having one child predominantly arise from mothers choosing lower-paying positions, often to accommodate child care duties or due to biases in the labor market, thereby exacerbating the wage gap compared to child-free women.

The implications extend beyond the workplace, affecting a woman’s personal life in the following ways:

  • Reduced income can strain household finances and lead to family tension
  • Feeling undervalued professionally can impact a woman’s self-esteem and overall happiness
  • The motherhood penalty influences family dynamics, potentially leading to relationship strains and heightened stress at home
  • Balancing career and family obligations often results in women sacrificing their well-being, feeling overwhelmed and emotionally drained

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Google reveals much needed google photos upgrade but there s a catch, taylor swift fans reportedly forced travis kelce to move out of his brand new house.

Here are three ways you can help your partner overcome the motherhood penalty.

1. Encourage Collaborative Problem-Solving Sessions

The benefits of collaborative efforts between partners to enhance relationship satisfaction are well-established. If your partner is grappling with challenges stemming from systemic issues like the motherhood penalty, set aside time for joint problem-solving sessions. Approach these sessions as strategic brainstorming endeavors, where both of you work together to devise innovative solutions.

Embrace an open-minded attitude, encouraging curiosity and creativity to explore unconventional ideas and approaches. Your steadfast support can empower your partner to actively engage in finding solutions that align with her unique circumstances.

Moreover, this collaborative endeavor cultivates a sense of partnership and solidarity, strengthening your relationship as you address the systemic barriers impacting her personal and professional life. It offers an opportunity to deepen mutual understanding and reinforce respect, creating a supportive environment where both partners feel valued and heard.

2. Share Household Responsibilities

A study published in the Journal of Family and Economic Issues highlights the gendered dynamics of parenting labor division and its interaction with work preferences. It shows that mothers in dual-earner households experience greater parenting inequalities compared to fathers, even after accounting for housework disparities. This inequality negatively affects relationship quality, especially for mothers, due to perceived unfairness in parenting task allocation. Additionally, part-time working mothers face amplified detrimental effects, as their preferred work hours often differ from their actual hours.

Taking proactive steps to share household and childcare duties with your spouse, including cooking, cleaning and childcare, not only eases her burden but also demonstrates a commitment to equality and partnership.

Collaboratively establishing a fair division of labor, considering each partner’s needs, strengths and commitments, fosters mutual respect and understanding. Sharing of responsibilities also creates a supportive environment that enables your spouse to pursue her career goals with greater focus, knowing that she has your unwavering support at home.

3. Advocate For Workplace Equality

Supporting your wife means actively advocating for workplace policies and practices that uphold gender equality and empower working mothers. Speak out against discriminatory practices and champion initiatives like flexible work arrangements, parental leave policies and equal pay. Research from Stanford University suggests that legal mandates hold promise in addressing the “motherhood penalty.”

By joining forces with your wife in advocating for these important issues, you not only demonstrate your dedication to her well-being but also contribute to creating a more inclusive and supportive work environment for all women. Your advocacy can be a catalyst for change, helping to dismantle systemic barriers and tackle the underlying causes of gender inequality.

Moreover, your active involvement in advocacy sends a powerful message of solidarity to your wife, showing that you stand beside her in the struggle for workplace equality. This shared commitment can inspire positive change within your workplace and community, creating a ripple effect in favor of a culture of support and inclusivity for working mothers.

Is paying the motherhood penalty emptying your cup? Take this test to know if you are inching close to a burnout: Parental Burnout Assessment

Mark Travers

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Heavy Machinery Meets AI

  • Vijay Govindarajan
  • Venkat Venkatraman

how to solve problem with your partner

Until recently most incumbent industrial companies didn’t use highly advanced software in their products. But now the sector’s leaders have begun applying generative AI and machine learning to all kinds of data—including text, 3D images, video, and sound—to create complex, innovative designs and solve customer problems with unprecedented speed.

Success involves much more than installing computers in products, however. It requires fusion strategies, which join what manufacturers do best—creating physical products—with what digital firms do best: mining giant data sets for critical insights. There are four kinds of fusion strategies: Fusion products, like smart glass, are designed from scratch to collect and leverage information on product use in real time. Fusion services, like Rolls-Royce’s service for increasing the fuel efficiency of aircraft, deliver immediate customized recommendations from AI. Fusion systems, like Honeywell’s for building management, integrate machines from multiple suppliers in ways that enhance them all. And fusion solutions, such as Deere’s for increasing yields for farmers, combine products, services, and systems with partner companies’ innovations in ways that greatly improve customers’ performance.

Combining digital and analog machines will upend industrial companies.

Idea in Brief

The problem.

Until recently most incumbent industrial companies didn’t use the most advanced software in their products. But competitors that can extract complex designs, insights, and trends using generative AI have emerged to challenge them.

The Solution

Industrial companies must develop strategies that fuse what they do best—creating physical products—with what digital companies do best: using data and AI to parse enormous, interconnected data sets and develop innovative insights.

The Changes Required

Companies will have to reimagine analog products and services as digitally enabled offerings, learn to create new value from data generated by the combination of physical and digital assets, and partner with other companies to create ecosystems with an unwavering focus on helping customers solve problems.

For more than 187 years, Deere & Company has simplified farmwork. From the advent of the first self-scouring plow, in 1837, to the launch of its first fully self-driving tractor, in 2022, the company has built advanced industrial technology. The See & Spray is an excellent contemporary example. The automated weed killer features a self-propelled, 120-foot carbon-fiber boom lined with 36 cameras capable of scanning 2,100 square feet per second. Powered by 10 onboard vision-processing units handling almost four gigabytes of data per second, the system uses AI and deep learning to distinguish crops from weeds. Once a weed is identified, a command is sent to spray and kill it. The machine moves through a field at 12 miles per hour without stopping. Manual labor would be more expensive, more time-consuming, and less reliable than the See & Spray. By fusing computer hardware and software with industrial machinery, it has helped farmers decrease their use of herbicide by more than two-thirds and exponentially increase productivity.

  • Vijay Govindarajan is the Coxe Distinguished Professor at Dartmouth College’s Tuck School of Business, an executive fellow at Harvard Business School, and faculty partner at the Silicon Valley incubator Mach 49. He is a New York Times and Wall Street Journal bestselling author. His latest book is Fusion Strategy: How Real-Time Data and AI Will Power the Industrial Future . His Harvard Business Review articles “ Engineering Reverse Innovations ” and “ Stop the Innovation Wars ” won McKinsey Awards for best article published in HBR. His HBR articles “ How GE Is Disrupting Itself ” and “ The CEO’s Role in Business Model Reinvention ” are HBR all-time top-50 bestsellers. Follow him on LinkedIn . vgovindarajan
  • Venkat Venkatraman is the David J. McGrath Professor at Boston University’s Questrom School of Business, where he is a member of both the information systems and strategy and innovation departments. His current research focuses on how companies develop winning digital strategies. His latest book is Fusion Strategy: How Real-Time Data and AI Will Power the Industrial Future.  Follow him on LinkedIn . NVenkatraman

Partner Center

Leslie Becker-Phelps Ph.D.

  • Relationships

How to Find a Good-for-You Partner

Find love by learning how to look inside for your heart’s desire..

Updated February 12, 2024 | Reviewed by Jessica Schrader

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  • You can increase your chances of romantic success by knowing five traits of a good match for you.
  • For a happy relationship, you don't need to find a perfect partner, just someone who is a good match for you.
  • By identifying the qualities you want in a partner, you increase your chances of finding a good match.

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If you knew an algorithm for beating the odds to win the lottery, wouldn’t you use it? While such a system may not exist for such financial success, you can increase the odds of romantic success. There are qualities you can look for in a partner that will increase your chances of being able to nurture a happy long-term relationship. In my book, Insecure in Love , I identify five attributes that make people great candidates for healthy relationships.

What to Look for in a Partner

I am offering a list of healthy partner attributes with the qualification that your needs might be met by someone whose traits don’t match parts of it. That’s OK. This is only meant as a rough guideline—as something to consider (though to seriously consider) as you look for a potential partner or evaluate how well the person beside you is meeting your needs. With that in mind, you want a partner who is:

Securely attached and mature. Because such people are comfortable with themselves and their connections, they are capable of being emotionally close, as well as wanting themselves and their partners to explore separate, personal interests. They are also able to reflect on themselves and their lives in an open, insightful, and emotionally connected way. This enables them to acknowledge their limitations and nondefensively admit to their mistakes—all without sacrificing a positive sense of themselves. Understanding that others are similarly flawed, they are able to readily forgive their partners.

An effective communicator. Such partners are good at listening and sharing, which helps them to nurture and maintain close relationships. They can also effectively work through disagreements. In part, they have these strengths because they are generally good at identifying and managing their emotions—a definite plus as you try to connect with another person and work through the difficulties that will inevitably arise in an emotionally intimate relationship.

Appreciative of you. It is not enough to fall in love. Because relationships are co-created, they will make you happy in the long term only if your partner respects and values you—and works to express this in some way. Your partner must show an interest in getting to know you. And, although it’s a steep learning curve at first, the quest to know you better should never totally plateau. You will also be happiest and reach your greatest potential with support and encouragement to explore your personal interests.

A good fit. It is important to enjoy spending time together. This generally means having at least some shared interests. But it definitely means enjoying activities together, even if that just involves having engaging conversations. Sharing, or at least respecting, each other’s values is very important for a long-term relationship.

Ready for a relationship. Your partner must be willing to make the relationship a priority. This means devoting time and giving attention to it, both when you are physically together and when you are apart. It also involves viewing sex and emotional closeness as two aspects of an intimate relationship that support each other.

Again, it’s important to remember that you do not need to find Mr. or Ms. Perfect—which is good, because neither of those people exist. And you don’t even have to find Mr. or Ms. Perfect-For-Me. That can prove to be an unending search with the constant hope of finding a better person just around the corner. Rather, what you need to find is Mr. or Ms. Good-For-Me. I am not suggesting that you settle for someone you are not really happy with, but rather that you make sure you have your priorities straight.

With this information in mind, here is an exercise to help you identify the characteristics of a partner who is right for you .

Imagining Your Good-for-Me Partner

Imagine walking along in some isolated area; you come upon an old wedding ring half stuck in the ground. As you pick it up and wipe off the dirt to see the design on it, out comes a genie. He has the very special power of being able to conjure up the partner of your dreams . All he needs is your wish list for what you want in a partner. Think carefully before answering—your future depends on it.

how to solve problem with your partner

To help with this task, make a written list. Include all the qualities you can think of—their way of relating to others and you, information regarding parenting (for instance, desire to be a parent and beliefs about each parent’s role), physical and personality traits, lifestyle, priorities, and interests. Include your idea of how the two of you would enjoy spending time together.

The more detail you provide, the better. Of course, there is no genie, and you will probably never meet anyone who fits everything on your list. But by doing this exercise, you will have a better chance of recognizing not just a good match, but also someone you would do best not to waste your time dating . For more on who to avoid partnering with, watch this brief video, " Avoid This Huge Dating No-No ."

Creating the Relationship You Want

Even if you could “order up” a good-for-you partner, doing so would not be enough to ensure a happy future together. You must also be part of creating it. So, think about what assets you have that nurture a healthy relationship. If you are insecure, push past your inclination to dwell on the negative messages you automatically send yourself. Instead, reflect on the good qualities that you bring to your friendships and that can make you a good partner.

Now, imagine a relationship with a “right” partner and with you being more secure. Allow yourself to have a sense of really experiencing it. Getting to know what this looks and feels like will help you know and feel in your heart the love you are really searching for.

Leslie Becker-Phelps Ph.D.

Leslie Becker-Phelps, Ph.D., is on the medical staff at the Robert Wood Johnson University Hospital Somerset in New Jersey.

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  2. How to Solve An Argument With Your Partner In 3 Steps

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  3. Four Key Skills To Use When Solving Problems With Your Partner

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  4. How to fix a relationship, handy tips

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    7. Trauma. External pressures from traumatic life events can stress any relationship. The death of a loved one, financial strain, disease diagnosis, chronic stress, past abuse, domestic violence, or anything else that you or your partner has endured can affect emotional and physical health.

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    4. Use humor. If you find yourself in a retaliatory spiral, a good tactic is to use humor to break the pattern. Humor can release tension and allow you and your partner to focus on what you both want - learning how to save your relationship - rather than on what you both don't want, another pointless argument.

  13. Stop Trying to Fix Your Partner's Feelings

    1. Listen without judgment. Empathy is only possible when you have removed all preconceived ideas and judgments about your partner's feelings and needs. When you assume responsibility for your partner's feelings or take messages personally, you're blaming and judging. Judgment of your partner's experience is an attempt to protect yourself.

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  15. Conflict Resolution in Relationships & Couples: 5 Strategies

    Positive Communication Conflict Resolution in Relationships & Couples: 5 Strategies 9 Nov 2021 by Jeremy Sutton, Ph.D. Scientifically reviewed by Christina R. Wilson, Ph.D. Conflicting goals, motives, and needs can cause stress in any relationship, particularly a romantic one.

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  25. How to Find a Good-for-You Partner

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